Happy Anniversary to My Darling Wife

It was exactly 40 years ago today that I woke up beside my cousin, Eddie. We had slept in the same bed because the whole family was at our house to attend my wedding that day. I was about to marry Melanie Lee, the only girl I'd ever dated. It had been three years that we dated. My Dad had asked me to "please wait until you're at least 19 to marry." I turned 19 on July 7 and on July 28, 1973, three weeks later, we were about to be married.

At first, I had asked Melanie's parents if I could marry her after I graduated from college, three years later. I had been away to school for my freshman year while Melanie was still home finishing high school. I gave her the engagement ring on her birthday on May 10. The more we talked about it, the more we realized how hard it was going to be for me to leave her to go back to school alone. So back to her parents we went, this time asking to get married right away - in December. They weren't happy about that at all and didn't give an answer right then. (Her Dad loathed preachers.)

A few days later, we came back and said, "We want to get married in July."  Less than two months away. Her mother asked Melanie, "Is there something you need to tell me?" There wasn't. We were are pure as the fallen snow on the day we married (well, I won't promise that was true in my thoughts but it was in my actions) but I'm sure both sets of parents sighed a great sigh of relief when time passed and our chastity was verified. Our first child wasn't born until almost two years later.

Over the past forty years, our life together has been incredible. We've had heartache at times - problems with finances, church members, children, and most recently health. There's much we don't know about other people but believe me, we've shed as many tears as most, if not more. Through it all, God's grace has been sufficient.

The pleasures of life have far outweighed the pain. I was a local pastor for the first 21 years, from the age of nineteen to forty. I wrote *Grace Walk* when I was 40 and it was published the next year. I resigned the pastorate at 40 and began to travel in an itinerant ministry. Since then, Melanie and I have been amazed at the places ministry has carried us and the things we have been allowed to do.

Because of ministry trips we have walked on the Great Wall of China, stood inside the Taj Mahal in India, cruised the Fjords of Norway, seen the windmills and tulips of Holland, saw Buddhist temples in Thailand, golden temples in Japan, watched the House of Commons debate policy in Parliament in London (from the peanut gallery), petted Kangaroos and Wallaby in Australia, stood in the Coliseum at Rome and the ruins of Pompeii, gone on a safari in Africa where we slept outside and ate wild boar for breakfast. The list could continue. We've been on six continents.

The amazing thing has been that we have always had a modest income. The car I drive right now has 160,000 miles on it. Rich, we are not - at least not in money. But we are rich in grace and That Grace has *given* us these experiences.

More important than the things we've done are the relationships we have. We have four wonderful children whom we love dearly and who love us. Our fourth grandchild is due to be born on Christmas Eve.

We have dear friends with whom we love to laugh and play and vacation and share our lives.

Melanie and I have each other, and we often thank God for that. We've both agreed that this past year has been the hardest one of our lives but we have held each other in our arms and felt Divine Love and each others healing caress through it all. With health challenges, despite sincere determination to keep a positive perspective we sometimes hear nagging voices taunting our minds about a possible future that doesn't even exist in this moment. Only Grace-Filled-Agape exists in this moment and He will be with us in every moment. So, we rest and hold each other with faith in Him.

After 40 years, we are still deeply in love and that is a real gift. How are we celebrating this day? That's another miracle. Sufficient funds recently came to us unexpectedly that allowed us to plan this Anniversary Trip.

We sit here in our room now, starring in amazement out the window at the canal and St. Mark's Basilca. This evening, at 6:30, we will board a Gondola for a private tour of the canals of Venice. I will hold my sweetheart's hand as the Gondolier serenades us and I will silently wonder in amazement, "Father, why me? Why would you have chosen to give me such a woman and such a life?"  And I am sure that the answer will gently surface and lovingly whisper  . . . "Grace." 

Grace. That's right. When I wrote "Grace Walk," almost 20 years ago, the Dedication read, "To Melanie, my most precious grace gift in this world." Today, I affirm that fact and thank God for it.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

A scientific study* was done in the 1960s that demonstrates how easily any of us can find ourselves trapped in traditional thoughts and actions that make no sense but are so embedded in us that we don't even think to question them. Although the study was performed with monkeys, sadly the underlying result often manifests itself in human beliefs and behavior.

Five monkeys were placed in a cage together and a ladder was placed in the middle of the cage. On the top of the ladder was a bunch of bananas. Every time a monkey started to climb the ladder to get the bananas, the researchers would hose down the rest of the monkeys with cold water. It didn't take long until every time any monkey tried to go up the ladder, the others would beat him up. After a while, no monkey dared to try to go up the ladder.

The scientists then decided to substitute one of the monkeys. When they put the new monkey into the cage, the first thing he did was to try to climb the ladder. Of course, the others beat him up. After a few beatings, he learned not to try to climb the ladder.

Then a second monkey was placed into the cage and the same thing happened. He went straight for the ladder and the others attacked him. Interestingly, even the first monkey participated in the beating even though he had never been sprayed with the cold water. A third monkey was switched with one of the original five and the same thing happened. Then a fourth and finally the last original monkey was replaced with the fifth replacement.

So, in the end, there were five monkeys in the cage and none of them had ever been soaked with the cold water. Yet they still would beat up any monkey that tried to climb the ladder.

What was the rationale behind the action of these monkeys? Since none of them had been sprayed with water, why did they all act so illogically? The answer is "indoctrination." Each of them, when introduced to the group, had been indoctrinated to behave the way the rest did. The new monkey didn't know why. He just beat up the monkey trying to go up the ladder because that's what he had learned was the appropriate thing to do.

This same kind of indoctrination has happened in shaping the thoughts and actions of many people today who would identify themselves as followers of Jesus Christ. The interesting thing is that the One they want to follow didn't fall into the "monkey see, monkey do" syndrome. To the contrary, He bucked the system so much that it ended up provoking people to kill Him.

To take a contrarian position simply for the sake of being a contrarian is wrong. There is no value in trying to go against "the system" just for the sake of being different. In fact, it's often pride that causes a person to do that.

On the other hand, it's equally as wrong to accept viewpoints and practices simply because others do. This kind of "group think" has led to great atrocities throughout history. The history of the church has not escaped the damage this kind of indoctrination can cause. I suspect that there are many sacred cows that have been embraced as sacred doctrine in the church today because of this sort of group indoctrination. They need to die.

While it is unwise and unhealthy to become a belligerent skeptic who challenges everything from a knee-jerk reaction, it is important to ask yourself why you believe what you believe. The process of maturing in any area of our lives necessitates that we change. Not change for the sake of change, but a kind of change that comes with any growing thing.

Don't be afraid to ask "why?" Truth is eternal and can withstand scrutiny. Avoid any environment where your questions are squelched by authority or peer pressure. None of us have a perfectly clear understanding of anything. We are all on a journey. Let's not beat up those who try to climb the ladder just because we've learned to do it that way. We aren't monkeys. We bear the image of our Creator. Let us refuse to become indoctrinated into a static system and instead spend our lives exploring the dynamic reality of discovering more and more of what it means to live in the Divine Life that embraces us.



*Stephenson, G. R. (1967). Cultural acquisition of a specific learned response among rhesus monkeys. In: Starek, D., Schneider, R., and Kuhn, H. J. (eds.), Progress in Primatology, Stuttgart: Fischer, pp. 279-288.