Chapter One from my book, "Grace Walk"

CHAPTER ONE
MISERABLE MEDIOCRITY


It was on October 6 at 1:00 in the morning. I was lying on my face in my office crying. God had used the previous year to bring me to a place of absolute brokenness. I had prayed for God to make me stronger, but He had a different plan. He was making me weaker. So here I lay, broken and hopeless. In seventeen hours I would have to stand in my pulpit on Sunday evening and face it. God, why did I tell them that I would
give a "State of the Church Address"? I knew I would either have to build a straw man of success or else tell the truth. I didn't have the strength to pretend or the courage to be honest. So I prayed and cried. When I finished, I prayed and cried some more.

It didn't make sense. Had God brought me to this church only to deliberately set me up for failure? Couldn't He see that I was doing everything I knew to do for Him? I couldn't imagine what more He expected from me than that I do my best. And I had done my best. God, what more do you want from me? Silence. At this moment He seemed light years away. The weight of failure was suffocating. Not just the failure as a pastor. I felt like a failure as a Christian. If dedicating my whole adult life to Him to do His work wasn't enough, what more did He want?

I had left a church in Alabama where I felt very successful. The people there loved me and affirmed me often. Our church had been recognized for its numerical growth. We led our denomination in baptisms in that county. I had received recognition from the Jaycees for being an "outstanding young religious leader." I had served on various denominational committees and held office in our minister's conference. For five years, the situation had met my emotional needs and caused me to feel that I was successful.


Then one Saturday afternoon the telephone rang. "Would you be willing to allow our pastor search committee to attend your church and hear you preach? Then we would like to have lunch together with you and your family after the service." I had declined this kind of invitation numerous times in the past few years. Yet I sensed during the first conversation with the chairman of this pastor search committee that I should let these folks come and see what would happen.

After many weeks of contact with each other, I decided that God was indeed bringing us together. A few months later, Melanie, our four kids and I found ourselves following a moving van across I-20 toward Atlanta. The church we were moving to had been declining in attendance for several years. But every church where I had served had consistently grown. I unpacked my books, my sermons and my church growth programs, anxious to get started so that with God's help we could get this thing underway. I had moved from a small town to the big city and there were lots of people just waiting to be reached!

I pulled out my box of sugar stick sermons and previously proven programs and went to work for God. But what happened was surprising. Nothing happened. This was a new experience. I was puzzled by the fact that attendance wasn't growing. I reassessed the situation, prayed harder for God's help, took a deep breath and launched
my second wave of church growth plans. We had sanctified pep rallies with our Sunday School teachers, strategy sessions with church leaders and long range planning discussions with our newly formed Dream Team. But as the months passed, the dream began to look more like a nightmare. As I approached the end of my first year as pastor, I had told the people that I would share this "State of the Church Address" on my first anniversary. Now in examining the measurable progress during the past year, it seemed that our church was in a sorry state. For the first time in seventeen years of being a pastor, a church I served had declined in attendance during my first year there! I was appalled!

There is a dull pain that can't fully be described when one feels like a failure, especially in a culture that places so much importance on success. A line from the movie City Slickers really hits the mark for a lot of people. Mitch, the character played by Billy Crystal, is talking to a friend at work on his thirty-ninth birthday and says: "Do you ever reach a point in your life when you say, this is the best I'll ever look, the best I'll ever feel, the best I'm ever gonna do, and it ain't that great?" If you have never felt that way, you're made of something different from the rest of us. American culture demands that we be successful. People often measure your significance by what you have accomplished with your life. From the time your parents applauded your first step until now, you have been conditioned to seek approval and acceptance from others by what you do. That fact puts unbelievable pressure on you to succeed.

This demand to be successful doesn't stop at the doors of the church. Many Christians are struggling to make their life count for Christ, only to discover that the Christian life somehow just isn't working out like it's supposed to do. They have been sincere about their commitment to Christ and have given it their best effort. Yet, if the truth were told, they are frustrated because they can't live up to what they think a Christian ought to be. They have concluded that their spiritual life is about as good as it's ever gonna get and it ain't that great.

There Must Be More Than This!

Charles Trumbull described his spiritual frustrations this way:

There were great fluctuations in my spiritual life, in my conscious closeness of fellowship with God. Sometimes I would be on the heights spiritually; sometimes I would be in the depths. A strong, arousing convention, a stirring, searching address from some consecrated, victorious Christian leader of men; a searching Spirit filled book, or the obligation to do a difficult piece of Christian service myself, with the
preparation in prayer that it involved, would lift me up; and I would stay up — for a while — and God would seem very close and my spiritual life deep. But it wouldn't last. Sometimes by some single failure before temptation, sometimes by a gradual downhill process, my best experiences would be lost, and I would find myself back on the lower levels. And a lower level is a perilous place for a Christian to be, as the Devil showed me over and over again.

Sound familiar? Doesn't this describe the way we have all felt at times in our Christian life? It may describe the way you feel right now. I became a Christian at the age of eight, but Trumbull's description of his Christian experience pretty much parallels the way mine was for the next twenty nine years after I trusted Christ. I don't think I've been alone in that experience either. Many who have professed Christ as their Savior have secretly wondered, "Is this all there is to it? Surely the Christian life is meant to be more than I am experiencing!" We all know that we are supposed to be experiencing some sort of abundant life that Jesus described. Yet many find themselves living a life of mediocrity instead of victory. How to get from here to there is sometimes foggy.

The problem isn't that Christians aren't interested in a victorious Christian life. Most just don't understand how to experience it. Matt was a young man who struggled
with an addiction to illegal drugs and to alcohol. I had given him all the pat answers about reading the Bible more and praying harder. But here he was again sitting in my office, wanting my help. "It's not that I don't want to live for God," he said. "I pray for Him to help me and I really mean it, but things just never seem to change." I knew he meant it. His sincerity was obvious. That's what frustrated me. I had told him the same answers over and over again, but they weren't working for him. In a way, I could see a caricature of my own life in Matt's experience. I wasn't addicted to drugs or alcohol. My sins were far more respectable than that. But in spite of all my efforts to be free, I could still point to areas of my life where I felt enslaved. Until God revealed the key to enjoying victory in the Christian life, I did a lot of things to try to experience victory. I have come to realize that Matt and I weren't alone in our frustration. Maybe you can relate to some of these efforts to find the sense of fulfillment you have hungered for in your own life.

If At First You Don't Succeed. . .

We live in a culture that commends effort. From childhood each of us learned that we shouldn't give up. Don't be a quitter. Keep trying until you accomplish your goal. One company even advertised a motto which said, "We try harder!" In the natural world, trying harder is commendable and often effective. But God's ways really aren't
our ways. Sometimes they seem to be opposite from ours. In the spiritual world, trying harder is detrimental. That's right. Trying will defeat you every time.

No Christian has a problem with the previous paragraph as it relates to salvation. If an unsaved person were to suggest to you that he is trying hard to become a Christian, what would you tell him? You would probably make it clear to him that a person is not saved by trying, but becomes a child of God by trusting. You would tell him that there is absolutely nothing he can do to gain salvation. It has all already been done. Salvation is a gift to be received, not a reward to be earned. If a man tries even a little bit to gain salvation by his own works, he cannot possibly become a Christian. Paul said about salvation: "And if by grace, then it is no longer works; otherwise grace is no longer grace. But if it is of works, it is no longer grace; otherwise work is no longer work" (Romans 11:6). In other words, it has to be either grace or works. Christians are saved by grace and trying hard has absolutely nothing to do with it.

But many Christians who understand that trying is detrimental to becoming a Christian somehow think that it is essential to walking in victory after salvation. A later chapter will demonstrate in depth that victory is not a reward, but a gift. But let's go ahead now and hit the nail straight on the head by saying that a person does not experience victory in the Christian life by trying hard to live for God. It just won't
work! I know because I've tried it. Have you tried to live for God? Did your efforts cause you to experience real victory? I rest my case . . . temporarily.

I lived many years of my Christian life trapped in what I call the motivation-condemnation-rededication cycle. From the earliest years of my Christian life I had a mental picture of what I thought I should be. But in my mind there was always a wide gap between where I ought to be and where I was. Sometimes when I was especially motivated I would feel that the gap had narrowed a little. When I was winning people to Christ or spending a lot of time praying and studying the Bible, I felt that I might actually one day be able to achieve my goal of being a victorious Christian. But inevitably the time would come when my motivation level would diminish and my fury and fire would die down. That always led to a sense of condemnation. Even when I had really done nothing wrong to cause the condemnation, I would often feel guilty for not doing all the things that I believed I should be doing. The devil would have a field day with me during this phase. Sometimes I would become spiritually indifferent. I often wondered if I would ever be consistent in my Christian life. I would wallow in my misery until I couldn't stand it anymore, then would finally rededicate myself to God, confessing my sins and spiritual slothfulness. I would pray, and with genuine contempt for my inconsistency, would ask God to help me to be more consistent. I would promise to read my Bible more, pray more, win more souls, whatever I thought it took to get back on course. I resolved to try harder than ever to live for God. Yet no matter how hard I tried, I never experienced real peace about my Christian life. If I read five chapters of the Bible, I felt that I should have read ten. If I led one person to Christ, I thought it should have been two. My wife, Melanie, used to tell me, "You'll never be satisfied." I was a classic Type A personality trying hard to do something for God. It was a miserable ride on a spiritual roller coaster!

Many people have acknowledged that their experience is much like the one I have just described. They live in this vicious cycle, moving continuously from motivation to condemnation to rededication. Does this describe your spiritual life? Constantly spinning around and around in this circle will make you sick after a while. But I want to give you hope. There is a way to get off this ride! It may sound unbelievable, but it's true. I know because I jumped off this nauseating roller coaster myself and I can't begin to describe how wonderful I have found the Christian life to be since then. We will talk more about this later. In this first chapter, I just want you to see whether the problems I have experienced in my Christian life fit your situation.

You Know The Rules!

An important cornerstone of a civilized society is law. Without laws to govern
the behavior of its citizens, a nation would live in chaotic anarchy. The dictionary defines law as: "a rule or order that it is advisable or obligatory to observe." We have all been taught throughout life that if you don't obey the rules, you will be punished. Whether it's a child sneaking cookies before dinner or an adult driving seventy in a fifty five mph zone, if you get caught breaking the rules you pay the price. Living in a world where we are taught from the cradle to the coffin that we must obey the rules, it is a natural process to transfer this system of law over into our Christian life.

The law of God is good because it accomplishes an important function. But many Christians have misunderstood the purpose of the law. The law was given to cause men to see their own absolute inadequacy to live a life that glorifies God. The Law in the Old Testament revealed to Israel the righteous standard that God demands. The story of the Hebrew people chronicles their repeated failure to live up to God's laws. Remember that God is omniscient and knew before He even gave the law that they wouldn't keep it. Through the law God revealed that righteousness cannot come from external regulations. We all understood that at the time of our salvation, but somehow many seem to believe that the rules change after a person is saved. Some people who are quick to point out that keeping religious rules won't cause anybody to become a Christian have come to believe that keeping certain rules will help you grow in your Christian life. These folks generally spend their lifetime trying to improve their spiritual performance.

Vicki came after the service one Sunday morning with tears in her eyes. "Steve, can I talk to you a minute?" We walked downstairs to the office area and sat down. Nervously fidgeting with a crumpled Kleenex, she began to cry. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have rededicated myself to God over and over again. I'm reading my Bible, although I don't seem to get much out of it these days. I set my clock to get up early and spend time in prayer. I even agreed to work in the children's church so that I could serve the Lord there. But I still feel empty. I've asked God if I'm unhappy because of some sin in my life, but I can't think of anything. Why don't I have the joy that Christians are supposed to experience?" Vicki is typical of many Christians. Instead of experiencing joy in Christ, she was trying to find fulfillment through her Christian lifestyle. Her lack of contentment caused her to believe that God must not be pleased with her.

I can certainly relate to her experience. For many years I thought that God accepted me more when I served Him like I thought He wanted me to do. I knew that he always loved me, but felt that He probably didn't really like me sometimes. I pictured God sitting up there keeping His patience like a parent whose anger is about to explode if the kid's conduct doesn't improve soon. So when in the motivation phase, I
would do as much possible to gain His approval. I remember one time agreeing with a good friend that we wouldn't eat until we led someone to Christ. We started out visiting hardened "prospects" and gradually worked our way down as we became increasingly hungry. We finally got a kid on a bicycle in the park to pray the sinner's prayer and immediately made a bee line to McDonalds! Sometimes I would fast and pray for hours and hours. Once I spent three days in my office without coming out. At the end of my "time with God", I was starving, smelled bad and had bad breath, but didn't feel any closer to God! Don't miss my point. I am not suggesting that it is wrong to witness to unsaved people, or to fast and pray. I am saying that it was ridiculous to have thought it was somehow possible to behave in a way to cause God to accept me more than He already did. Since God already fully accepts us in Christ, there is nothing we can do to score brownie points with Him!

I have talked with many Christians whose lives are like mine has been. I can't count the times that I have heard people describe a lack of fulfillment in their Christian life and then conclude that the answer was to get back in church, or witness more, or start tithing, or pray more, etc. Take it from a man who did all those things and still felt unfulfilled, polishing your performance is not the answer! Some of the most miserable people in the world are folks who are drowning in a sea of religious activity. The sad part of it is that they are absolutely sincere in what they are doing. Can you relate to the kind of attitude just described? If you can, stay tuned, because I've got some good news for you!

Why Can't I Be Successful?

Some people might think that ministers should have it all together, but I'll go ahead and let you in on a secret. Sometimes I haven't had it all together. In fact, at times I've felt that it was all falling apart! Preachers are just like other people in many ways. Our son, David, had a friend come home with us after church one Sunday afternoon. He went back home that evening and told his mother, "They're just like us!" It's good he figured that out early in life. Pastors don't speak King James English at home. We sometimes yell at our kids and argue with our wife and worry about our bills. Sometimes we act like idiots, laughing at silly things. Some of us are Trekkies. We know about Indiana Jones and Rambo. We might even have an opinion about David Letterman moving from NBC to CBS.

Get the picture? I'm just a regular guy like you. There is something else I suspect we have in common. Probably you and I both have had the desire to be successful in our spiritual life. The popular belief is that success comes by commitment and hard work. That's true in the business world. If a person dedicates himself to
accomplish something in business, he has every reason to be optimistic about his chances in our free enterprise system. But it doesn't work that way when it comes to our spiritual life.

The criterion for measuring success in the world is production. If a person produces impressive results in business, he is considered successful. Successful people have learned what to do to accomplish the desired results. But here is where we get into trouble in the Christian life. Christianity isn't built around performance and production, but is centered on the person of Jesus Christ. When we transfer a worldly approach to experiencing success to our Christian life, it won't work!

You may not be a pastor, but I want you to see how this faulty understanding of success has infiltrated the modern church. When Paul met the brethren, he greeted them with the words "grace" and "peace." Today pastors sometimes greet each other with words like, "How many are you running now? What's your budget? How many baptisms did you have last year?" I am embarrassed to admit how often I have asked these questions in the past. My concept of success in the church was tied to production and performance. I had the same understanding of success in my personal life. I thought that to be a successful Christian, I must read the Bible enough, pray enough, do enough evangelistic outreach. More production and performance. My whole life was wrapped up in rules and routine. Have you experienced this in your life? It was a thrilling day when I finally came to understand that Christianity has nothing to do with rules and routine. Christianity is a relationship! God never intended for our focus to be on performing and producing. He only desires that our focus be on the person of Jesus Christ!

There is a generation of Christians today who measure the success of their spiritual lives by whether or not they live up to religious rules. Their focus is on their performance. They want to live up to the standard they set for themselves, but can never do enough. No wonder there are so many who feel defeated!

When any Christian tries to live by rules, the outcome will be the same as it has always been. He will discover that he just can't measure up, regardless of how hard he tries. The law is intended to leave you saying, "I just can't do it. I've tried and tried, but I just can't live a successful Christian life." If that's how you feel, then you might be closer to enjoying success than you know. Your sense of failure may be the catalyst that God wants to use to bring you to a new understanding of the meaning of success. By the time you finish reading this book, you just might find yourself beginning to have a different understanding of spiritual success.


For a long time I thought that to experience success in my Christian life, it was necessary to work harder. But I have discovered that the key to enjoying success is not strenuous work, but spiritual rest. This is a paradox in Scripture. We must rest while we work! Many Christians have the problem of feeling like a spiritual failure. Satan knows that as long as he can keep you feeling and thinking like a defeated failure, you will behave like one. But there is a way you can enjoy a successful Christian life every day! I'm not talking about sinless perfection, but I am saying that there is a quality of Christian living that I didn't know existed until twenty nine years after I was saved. I don't blame you if you don't believe it yet. Just don't close your mind to the possibility that there might be more to the Christian life than you experience right now.

I was sincere all those years I struggled to do something for God. And God graciously gave me some wonderful times in my Christian life and in my ministry. Then came the days when He began a work in my life greater than anything I have ever known since I became a Christian. But it wasn't a happy process. In fact, God's work in my life had brought me to this place where I lay on my floor wondering whether or not I would continue in the ministry. My feelings were beyond disappointment or even discouragement. I felt despair. God, if this all that ministry will ever be, I want out. I just want to quit. I know now that God must have smiled. That's exactly what He had been waiting to see happen. Now what He would do in my life would make the former days look mediocre at best.

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