Growing To Know Less

When I was a young man, I knew everything. At least I thought I did. I have often said that back then I held the office of “Doctrinal Deputy.” I policed what others believed and stood ready to indite them if there was as infraction of the law. When it came to doctrine, knowing truth from error was a simple thing. The truth was what I believed. Otherwise, why would I believe it? If anybody needed to know the definitive answer to any theological question, all they had to do was ask me. I had the answers. I even had answers to questions that nobody asked.

As I’ve grown older something has happened that I never expected. I think I may have as many questions as I do answers. If you had told me when I was a young pastor that this would be in my future, I would have argued with you outwardly and inwardly would have hoped and prayed it wasn’t true. I would have seen your prediction as a prophecy of my own apostasy. After all, I would have reasoned, a person knows more and more as he gets older, not less and less. Boy, was I wrong.

I could make a long list of things I was sure of back then which I ultimately came to learn were dead wrong. I discuss many of those false beliefs I held in Grace Walk. Some of the things I built my life on were as far from biblical truth as a person can be.

In 1994, when I left the pastorate and began traveling, it didn’t take long for me to realize that not everybody grew up in the denominational world I did or held as common knowledge the doctrinal specifics I had been taught. I discovered that, within the body of Christ, there was a tremendous difference of opinion about many things. Spiritual gifts, when and how Jesus is coming, the place of women in the church, what a Christian can wear, drink, say, think and where we can go and not go, forms of church government, styles of worship . . . the list goes on and on.

The amazing thing about the diversity I saw was that people who held firmly to beliefs that stood in stark contradiction to the things I had always been taught were as sincere about their beliefs as I was. Some of them believed what they did for the same reason I had – because they had been taught that all their lives. Others, though, came to their viewpoints after open minded study of the Scriptures.

I’ve always loved lively discussion and debate, so I found myself engaging with these people about a variety of topics. As I did, to my surprise, I found myself changing my mind about some of the things I had always believed. I saw myself holding a looser grip on my opinion about other matters that I had been completely convinced about in the old days. There were even some biblical questions that I just had to put on the shelf, with the attitude, “I don’t know what I think about this anymore.”

Some of my friends and colleagues from the old days still think I have compromised. I’ve learned that there is a sense of stability in thinking you have it all figured out. Take away absolute certainty and people become afraid. Don’t misunderstand. I’m still certain about many things – the finished work of Christ, my heavenly Father’s love, who I am in Him – I could make a long list of the things I’m certain of too.

It’s just that, as time has passed, I’ve realized I don’t know as much as I used to think I knew. I find myself learning to live with questions which may or may not be answered in this life. When asked what I believe about specific topics, I often answer, “I don’t know. I haven’t studied that subject since I got my grace eyes.”

To my surprise, I’m completely comfortable with knowing less, not more, as I’ve grown older. Being willing to admit that I don’t know some things causes me to be teachable, allowing me to grow. People who already (think that they) know everything can’t learn and, consequently, can’t grow. I hope I spend my lifetime learning and growing.

When I began to understand my identity in 1990, I turned in my Doctrinal Deputy badge. I’ve decided I’d rather be a disciple than a deputy.