(Here's the last section I wrote yesterday as I was working on the manuscript, 52 Lies Heard In Church Every Sunday.)I realize that I’m really getting out into the deep water with this one, because I’m criticizing a strong current fad. It is vogue and fashionable now in the church world to teach people that they must have an accountability partner, but there are some real problems with how this is understood and practiced, assuming your concept of it fits the general view of its meaning that I’ve encountered in many places.
If you’re not familiar with this concept, an accountability partner is usually the title for somebody you meet with every week and you divulge your darkest secrets. You tell them about your greatest struggles, and they hold you accountable to make sure you are living in the right way and doing the right things.
The way this practice is promoted is that you are supposed to give your accountability partner a license to be hard on you, to demand answers, and jump on you if you are falling short. You have to be truthful about your deepest darkest sins. You have to reveal any and everything, from whether or not you read your Bible enough this week, to whether you have had had your quiet time or had dirty thoughts. You have to be totally “transparent,” which is the word you hear over and over. And remember, “transparent” literally means that you can see everything. Here you see one of the limitations of such a stringent set-up: The value of an accountability partner is no better than your willingness to be honest with the person you are talking to. The reality is that only you and God will know the truth about that.
Now that may not be the way you think of the term “accountability partner,” but as I travel and speak in a lot of places that is how I often hear it presented. The matter I’m discussing here isn’t the idea of having a good friend with whom you can be honest and who encourages you by calling forth the best for you. The essence of what I’m challenging here is accountability. Affirmation that helps you grow in your love for Jesus is a different scenario altogether.
The truth is you don’t need somebody to police your daily lifestyle. You don’t need somebody to evaluate you about whether or not you are doing the things you think you need to be doing. Do you hear the legalistic undertones of that? It’s always about “I should be doing this or I should be doing that.” Or, that “I must be avoiding this or that. I need you, my friend, to put on a sheriff’s badge every week and sit down with me, challenge me, and ask me if I’m doing those things or not. Hold me accountable.” It’s an admission that “I need you to make me do the right things and avoid the wrong things, because otherwise I’ll do the wrong things.”
Once you look at it that way, you can see that this is an extreme action to take. Now, if you have a specific area of life where you are having trouble making a change; an area where you want encouragement — fine. Ask a trusted friend for help, because that will be an honor for a true friend. But to say I need it as a lifestyle because I can’t live an ordinary Christian life is a sign that there are far bigger things wrong.
The idea of an ongoing accountability partner is just not a fit with the grace walk way. Put this into perspective: We all need good Christian friends. The Bible has a lot to say about our role to help, encourage, and counsel one another. Maybe you have a person in your life you have called an accountability partner, but you don’t have the kind of relationship I’ve already described. Instead, you have the kind of relationship where you meet together to encourage each other and lift each other up, and you pull each other up toward your best. If so, that is good! We all need to be encouragers, and we need encouragers in our lives.
TAKE A FRESH LOOK AT THE SCRIPTURES
The common idea of an accountability partner is a cheap counterfeit of an authentic relationship based on trust and encouragement, and it actually gets in the way of our applying that kind of relationship. We do need each another. God has built us so that we are not meant to live out our lives alone. The New Testament speaks often about the positive effects we have on one another. For instance, Paul wrote, “Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).
On another occasion, he said, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. . . . Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:10,15).
To the Thessalonians, he wrote, “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:14).
The writer of Hebrews encourages us, “And let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25).
I believe that if you read those verses carefully and notice their prevailing tone, you’ll agree that they sound very different from the heavy-handed “accountability partner” concept. Ask yourself: How would you like to be the recipient of other believers’ attention in the way those verses describe? Of course you would! Who wouldn’t want to be treated that way?
But the accountability partner movement comes across more like the secret police. It’s simply Pharisaism in modern dress.
Is there ever a time when it is appropriate to correct each another, to tell each other when we’re wrong? Yes, there is – assuming that we have the kind of relationship with each other that makes it a perfectly acceptable expression of authentic love. Paul described it this way: “And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able to admonish one another” (Romans 15:14).
Yes, there are times when to tell each other when we’re wrong is an expression of love. If you’re going the wrong way, it’s a blessing and an act of loving ministry for somebody to tell us we’re going in a dangerous direction. The Old and New Testaments agree on this. One proverb says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6).
However, no matter how much the Bible discusses the blessings of the help we can offer one another, the best truth of all about this is that God has already given us the best Encourager possible -- the indwelling Holy Spirit. Jesus said these things as He predicted the coming of the Spirit: “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever, that is the Spirit of truth …” (John 14:16-17).
We have the Holy Spirit in us. We have the Holy Spirit to guide us. He is the one who will show us when we are not living up to who we are in Jesus Christ. He is the best accountability partner you’ll ever have in life.
The word translated “Helper” is the Greek word parakletos, from which we get the term, “paraclete.” It means “one who comes alongside” to help and strengthen. It can mean a defense attorney, or a counselor. That is the role of the Holy Spirit. Think about it: You have God Himself, that is, the Person of the Holy Spirit — Christ’s empowering presence — in you to counsel, teach, correct, strengthen, and help you. What a difference that could make, if we were more aware of the resources God has already made available to us.
CLARIFY YOUR THINKING
Don’t think I’m suggesting that it’s not good idea to have a friend with whom you are completely honest. I haven’t said that nor do I believe it. However, I do challenge the assertion that you need an accountability partner, in the sense that there is somebody that you need to always be accountable to about confessing your sins and vulnerabilities, and answering to whether or not you’ve done the right or wrong things. I believe that is a perversion of the biblical truths about the help we should give each other. And even more serious, it can obscure the even greater truth that the Holy Spirit is your accountability partner. He will nurture and lead you, and encourage you onward and upward.
Beautiful. This whole concept of "accountability" stems from human-effort.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to get the book.
Thanks for this!
ReplyDeleteIt's like having a sumptuous meal unraveling every little bits of truth slowly and with greatest care your words in reading this blog Steve! Absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Steve. As a pastor who has seen much fruit in peoples' lives related to their involvement in Christ-centered Recovery ministry, how might we apply this wisdom to the realm of addicts who seem to genuinely be finding freedom through "accountability"? At our church, we define accountability along the "kinder, gentler" lines you described above, but we still use the term "accountability"? Are you recommending we change the word altogether or is it sufficient to simply practice it Biblically rather than Pharisaically as you describe? Just wondering about your thoughts on that... :)
ReplyDeleteGreat question, Jeremy. It sounds like what you're doing is in line with the biblical model. I'm not against the word "accountability" but the problem comes when we use the same vocabulary but have a different dictionary. In other words, while you and I mean one thing when we use the word, most people in the church world interpret the word to mean something different. Personally, I'd use another word just to avoid confusion but within the context of a closed environment like a recovery ministry, I don't see anything wrong with using the word as long as participants understand that "how we're using the word "accountability" isn't the way a lot of people/ministries use it." It's not the word, but the meaning most often assigned to it in churches these days that bothers me.
ReplyDeleteso what would be a more appropriate term please email me . at rap32955@bellsouth .com with your answer thanks
ReplyDeleteThe term isn't the problem. It's the concept that's the problem. "My friend" sounds like a good term to me though :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for the excellent post sir. I plan on linking it in an upcoming post on my own blog. In fact, I have written about this issue recently, for me the biggest concern is how some church leaders present "accountability" as something compulsory in order to participate in a Christian community. Voluntary sharing of struggles for mutual support between close Christian friends is one (good) thing, declaring that participation in an "accountability group" in order to be part of a Christian community is another (very un-Biblical) thing altogether.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on this are in my blog:
http://anne-fleetwood.blogspot.com/2010/02/thoughts-on-christian-accountability.html
Unfortunately it is a bit disjointed, as that post is an excerpt of my "resignation" letter to a legalistic pastor who insisted that I must join in his "accountability group" in order to be a "proper Christian". There were some other things he said that sounded alarm bells too.
God bless you sir for speaking the truth!
Good post Steve:
ReplyDeleteThis of course was born out of the shepherding movement or a reinstating of it. The only thing I would add is that the goal of all ministry is to point people to the source of their life.
Often these partners become a substitute and therefore a hindrance and an authority unto themsleves. This type of mediation can be born out hierarchal control as Andrew mentioned.
Not for that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy: for by faith ye stand.(2Co 1:24)
I have a problem with some of these ideas. There may be a degree of legalism in the idea of an accountability partner, but as I have always understood the ideology of accountability, there needs to be a degree of transparency in some, if not all, of our relationships. If that translates to legalism in the sense that some of our liberties are sacrificed, then so be it. Becoming more and more like Jesus Christ by doing everything we can to become transparent to another person in order to shed the sin habits that are in our lives is far more important and godly than hanging onto our liberties.
ReplyDeleteBeing close to another person to the point of being transparent is a part of being a godly man or woman, I think. Marriage includes this as a key component. Seeing as there may be another person of the opposite gender that you have known as long as or longer than your wife or husband that may hold you accountable in your walk and in your becoming more and more like Jesus, I think accountability partnerships are beneficial and totally possible.
Please don't hear me as a firestarter here (this isn't a Youtube comment page); the idea of the Holy Spirit as your one and only true accountability partner isn something I had never considered, and I am thinking about buying your book, if just for a fresh perspective. I agree that the Lord would and does provide true accountability to us, but there is something to be said about the people He has put in our way in our walk towards Him (which holds true for us in terms of helping other believers as well). I have not discovered any scripture pointing to a SOLE relationship with the Lord, but a close walk with Him AND communion with other believers; an idea that seems to foster the kind of accountability-partner relationship the church traditionally promotes. I think this is because, for whatever reason He has decided, He, nor the Holy Spirit, has decided to walk among us physically as other believers do. I need someone to talk to that I can physically hear talk back; this is one of the things I look forward to the most when I spend eternity with Him. I will freely call this a lack of faith on my part, or spiritual immaturity, but it still stands that I have a small need for a physical relationship with someone close here in comparison for my huge need for Savior.
Chris, It may be that what I've intended to communicate and what you heard aren't fully connecting. I agree 100% that we all need relationships and I personally find great value in the friendships I share with those I know intimately enough that we can be completely honest with each other, even to the point of lovingly questioning each other at times. The point I'm making is against the idea of getting together with somebody so that we can police each others actions and attitudes. Friendships that encourage each other toward looking to Jesus as our life source are great. Relationships where we meet to go over our check list and acknowledge how we did last week in keeping the rules by avoiding wrong and doing right is not only unproductive, but also destructive.
ReplyDeleteSo, do we want relationships with people who are cheerleaders in our walk with Jesus. Yes! Do we want referees whose job is to blow the whistle on us over our fouls? Absolutely not. The underlying variable here is attitude. I've know of "accountability partners" who basically quiz each other about their behavior over the past week. I think that is wrong. Meet together and love each other and pray and encourage each other? Absolutely. That's an environment that will nurture transparency. But when we think somebody is coming to judge our wrongdoings and deal with us about them, we'll do exactly what Adam did in the Garden when he thought God was coming for that reason (which He wasn't) - we will hide.
Thanks for your input, Chris.
Some good thoughts to stir the think and life tank Steve . . . thanks!
ReplyDeleteyour title, content and responses seem kind of paradoxical. though i agree with what you actually say, to some extent, the true meaning that i'm seeing is that you disagree with the term "accountability partner" more than the actual intent and "concept" of this role.
ReplyDeleteeven as you quote scripture and explain yourself, this becomes quite apparent that the term is a fad. that being policed should not be the intent of a "truly invested christian friend."
i have steered clear of church terms for some time now, because of their lack of congruency and understanding across a broad spectrum of the faith. and i will admit that is partially due to the fault of the educators and pastors who do not establish a clear understanding of the role. which i believe you even allude to in your diatribe.
perhaps the title of your post should be reconsidered, especially since you don't want to be a "firestarter." i'm all for the revamping of the four walls we call church. but please don't say something is a lie, when all you're disagreeing with is the terminology...and even back up the concept of an accountability partner with scripture.
But I do want to be a fire-starter - I want to burn down the house of legalism. :) It's not just the phrase I disagree with, it's the concept as commonly taught in many churches these days.
ReplyDeleteDear Steve,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across this blog via a google search for 'accountability partner christian'.
I am somewhat confused-I both agree and disagree with your synopsis, the idea of another/others taking the place of one's conscience is wrong, that you would give another sinful human carte blanche to direct your actions/thoughts is not Biblical.
However in my own situation I am a 21yo male who struggles with the sin of lust, having become a Christian it is the area of my life that so often divorces me from fellowship with my Lord and Saviour, I am ashamed of this, I know its wrong, and so was searching to see if there was an accountability partner out there who I might be able to connect with, not to be guided by necessarily but so I could find encouragement to overcome...
It is not a concept taught in my Church.But the situation is too great for me to handle on my own, I have surpressed my conscience so long that I can't escape, I need a way out. I have prayed just that, but I might last a while, but then I slip back to my old ways.
This is wrecking my Christain walk I feel like an absolute hypocrite every day...where should I go from here? You disagree with the commonly taught concept but I feel to need something like this to break a cycle-how do you deal with the situation and struggle I face?
Regards,
Craig
Craig - first, I commend you for the desire in you to live in a way that is consistent with who you truly are, a righteous man and not a lustful one.
ReplyDeleteI have no problem at all with Christian friends encouraging you in this area. In fact, I think that's a good thing. However, at the core of the matter, the only value in encouragement from others is if that encouragement helps direct your attention toward Christ, who is the only One who can empower you to live in victory over any besetting sin.
I encourage you to get my book "Grace Rules" and read the chapter on temptation in that book. I also teach a session in the Grace Walk Conference on victorious living that deals with overcoming temptation. Either of these resources will offer you much more help that I can post in the small space here on my blog.
Blessings to you, Craig. Your victory over temptation will come in direct proportion to your understanding of resting in the sufficiency of the indwelling Christ.
James 5:16
ReplyDeleteTherefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
I think that's the point of accountability. It's not just a friendship. It is choosing to be more honest with someone than you might be willing to be with most people and it is that person committing to be trustworthy and to take seriously that with which you entrust them with as you make yourself vulnerable to them by confessing your sins. It someone making a commitment not to smile and nod and pat you on the back saying 'grace' when you share your deepest struggles. It's someone willing to really listen, roll up their sleeves and pray with you, fast with you, do bible studies with you - really join you in your struggle, helping you give it to God and helping you change your habits by asking the "hard questions".
It is more than friendship, because we cannot possible do this for all of our friends. It takes a conscious commitment, time, energy, passion for the purpose of God for that person's life, and guts to say and to hear the hard things. It is also knowing when not to say or ask the "tough" things. It's not always being "tough". It's also being willing to love that person even when they are ugly - when most friends would just give them their "space", you're still choosing to actively, even if silently, love them.
If we interacted with all of our friends in this way, we would be exhausted...and would need to make it our only full time job. It's just not possible.
And with respect to "human efforts", Apostle Paul says:
Philippians 2:12
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,
It's our job to WORK IT OUT, so it will take human effort.
Steve, I think your post comes across too strongly against accountability. Your view does not sound balanced. It could also prove an easy escape for so many who want to rationalise not allowing people to speak into their lives or who want to put up high walls and boundaries based on fear in order to shut people out of their lives.
Accountability is a scriptural idea. James 5:16 is pretty clear "confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another that you may be healed."
ReplyDeleteTotal transparency with one individual may not be the best way to accomplish this, but it is certainly a scriptural practice.