For nearly four decades, I've been counseling people on how to forgive those who have hurt them. Unforgiveness toward other people is one of the most debilitating things anybody can experience in their grace walk.We don’t forgive other people because they need it. We forgive them because we need it. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to freedom from the effect of past hurts in our lives.
When we hold onto unforgiveness toward other people, we aren’t hurting them. We are only hurting ourselves. Comedian Buddy Hackett once said, “I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing."
We forgive people, not for their sake, but for ours. Your unforgiveness may not even affect them, but it will certainly affect you. Until you forgive a person who has wronged you, you allow them to continue to control you.
But what if they aren’t sorry? They don’t have to be sorry in order for you to forgive them. Forgiveness is the deliberate choice to release a person from all obligation they have toward us as a result of any offense they have committed against us. There is nothing in that definition that requires action on the part of the guilty party.
Forgiveness is a conscious choice you make. It is an act of the will, not the emotions. Forgiveness is the way out that God gives you to be freed from the past, to be freed from those who have hurt you. To refuse to forgive is to stay in a prison that will keep you from ever enjoying the full abundance of life Jesus wants you to know.
How are we to move forward in forgiving those who have wronged us? Several simple steps taken in faith can set us free. These steps aren't original with me, but have been used by many counselors by many years.
1. Pray and ask the Lord to show you those who have hurt you. Write their names on a piece of paper. This may take a few days or even weeks. Don’t rush it. The Holy Spirit will show you those you need to forgive. If a name comes to mind, write it down even if you don’t think you need to forgive the person. After all, you did pray and ask the Holy Spirit to show you the names. Don’t screen the list based on your own understanding.
2. Write a description of exactly what these people did to you. Be specific in your description. Don’t use vague generalities, but use detailed examples of how you have been offended by others. Unless you are specific, the act of forgiveness will be vague and not have the impact that you need in your life.
3. Describe exactly how you felt when the offense took place. The importance in identifying how you felt is to reattach the emotion to the incident. The reason for this is that it isn’t possible to fully forgive if we don’t recognize the extent of damage done to us. That’s why it is important to recognize how you felt at the time of the offense.
4. By faith, forgive those who have hurt you. Many have found it helpful to speak out loud, as if the person were in the room. Express your forgiveness to those who have hurt you, confessing that you are releasing them from any obligation for what they have done.
Perhaps the following can be helpful in facilitating the forgiveness you want to extend. Take your list of names and fill in the following:
“(Insert the name of the person who wronged you), I want to resolve a matter of unforgiveness toward you. You have wronged me, but I don’t want to be handicapped by this hurt for the rest of my life. What you did to me was (describe the exact incident). When you did that, it made me feel (describe how you felt, not what you thought at the time).
You were wrong and I was hurt by your actions. But, (insert the offender’s name), right now I forgive you. I release you from any obligation you have toward me because of what you have done. Just as Christ has forgiven me, I now forgive you.”
Now, pray and thank the Lord for the grace He gives you to forgive others. Ask Him to bring healing to your emotions and to fill you with a greater sense of His love for you. Complete this time by affirming that you have forgiven others at this very moment.
Will your feelings instantly change? Maybe not. But that’s okay. As you remind yourself of the truth that you have forgiven those who wronged you, your feelings will gradually change. You may still find that feelings of anger or resentment arise within you at times. That’s normal. When they do, remind yourself of the truth that you have forgiven. It doesn’t mean you didn’t forgive just because you may still have negative feelings at times. Simply acknowledge your feelings and then walk in the truth.
Forgiveness is a choice and you made that choice. Don’t allow the enemy to bring you back into the slavery of unforgiveness again. Through forgiveness you have been set free. So enjoy your freedom!
“If the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed” John 8:36
Steve can you give me your thots on this passage in the light of your last entry. THX
ReplyDeleteTake heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:3-4
Hello~
ReplyDeleteMy name is Jin young, kang
This is Seoul, South Korea.
I read your blog story every day and Your blog story copy My blog.(http://blog.daum.net/timberkang)
Today, "How to forgive sombody"
- We don’t forgive other people because they need it. We forgive them because we need it. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to freedom from the effect of past hurts in our lives.
- We forgive people, not for their sake, but for ours. Your unforgiveness may not even affect them, but it will certainly affect you.
I have to say once again Thank you.
Hello.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Jin Young, Kang.
This is Seoul, South Korea.
I read your blog story every day, and your blog copy to My blog(Sorry. Does not write English well.) http://blog.daum.net/timberkang
Today, "How to forgive sombody"
- We don’t forgive other people because they need it. We forgive them because we need it. Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door to freedom from the effect of past hurts in our lives.
- When we hold onto unforgiveness toward other people, we aren’t hurting them. We are only hurting ourselves.
- We forgive people, not for their sake, but for ours.
- Forgiveness is a conscious choice you make. It is an act of the will, not the emotions.
Engrave it in my mind again compliment, thank you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSteve do you believe repentance plays a part in this in the light of the scripture below. I know that it can be abused and used as an excuse not to forgive??
ReplyDeleteTake heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:3-4
John, I think that anytime we read the words of Jesus, we need to be mindful of the fact that though he was grace personified, he did still speak from out of the Old Covenant. Paul wrote in Rom 15:8 that Jesus was a minister OF the circumcision. Some translations render the word, "to" but "of" is closer. "The Circumcision" always points to the Law. So he used the Law to raise awareness of spiritual need among His audience. New Covenant Christians can get into trouble fast when we ignore the covenant under which He ministered and the group to whom He spoke. People get bent out of shape when grace guys suggest that His words saying if you don't forgive you won't be forgiven aren't applicable under the New Covenant. They argue that we must apply every word He said to ourselves, but the same people have no trouble finding a way to explain how things like plucking our eyes out if we lust, cutting our hand off if we steal, etc. aren't to be applied.
ReplyDeleteToday, we forgive because we have been forgiven, not so that we can get it. Everything changed with the cross, including the issue of forgiveness toward others.
Jin Young Kang - thank you for writing to let me know that you read my blogs and post them on your site in Korea. I love Korea! I hope to return to Seoul again someday. May you be blessed as you share our Father's love and grace in your great country.
ReplyDeleteI agree that Jesus addressed His people under His covenant with them but we as gentiles are not under a new covenant. Scripture teaches that it will be with Israel also at a future date. Hbr 8:8 For finding fault with them, he saith, Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah.
ReplyDeleteEven after the cross, nothing changed. They didn't start preaching grace. They had no idea what the cross meant. Were they there on the third day at the tomb waiting? No, they thought He was dead. Mary had no idea. She was at the tomb to anoint a dead body, not to await a risen Savior. The disciples were SHOCKED when they heard He was alive.
Lisa - just to be clear: So you don't think that the Apostle Paul taught grace??
ReplyDeleteIf nothing changed after the cross, what was the point?