Chapter
Fifteen
Clean
Fights
“If
you had more ambition, we’d be further along by now!” Emma angrily said to Mason.
“I’ve told you to send out resumes but you’d rather stay right where you are no
matter what the best thing for us might be!”
“There
you go again! Blame me when we come up short because you don’t understand how
to live within a budget. You never
give one thought to whether or not we have the money for something. If it’s in
the bank, you assume it must be there to spend. Well, Emma, we have monthly
bills that have to be paid out of that money!”
“You’re the one who didn’t pay last month’s power bill! Now we owe two months instead of one. It’s not like I’ve spent the money on something we don’t need. If you’d acted with just a little responsibility we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” Emma responded.
“You’re the one who didn’t pay last month’s power bill! Now we owe two months instead of one. It’s not like I’ve spent the money on something we don’t need. If you’d acted with just a little responsibility we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” Emma responded.
“Yeah,
blame it on me,” Mason continued. “That’s a lot easier than admitting that you
don’t seem to be able to understand that no matter how much money a family
makes, there has to be a limit on what is being spent every month!”
Without
another word, Emily turned and walked out of the room and into the kitchen.
Mason stormed into his home office, slamming the door hard enough to make sure
Emma heard it.
The
kind of exchange takes place in homes all over the world every day. Arguing.
I’m not talking about physical conflict. Most couples don’t reach that stage in
their disagreements, but many don’t realize that wrong words spoken may have
irrevocable consequences.
Disagreements
in a marriage are a universal. In fact, show me a marriage where the couple
never disagrees and I’ll show you a situation where one person is has become so
passive that the marriage is on dangerous ground for altogether different
reasons than what this chapter will discuss. Verbal disagreements are not only
normal but can be healthy if they are expressed in the appropriate way. You
can’t live with a person and not have differences of opinion. It’s how you
handle those differences that are of utmost importance.
Looking
at the brief glimpse into the argument between Emma and Mason, several things
surface that are immediate red flags about the health of their communication
skills and thus, the health of their marriage. Read the description of their
conversation again and note each of the mistakes you can identify in their
disagreement. There are at least four or five things they did wrong. Can you
see them?
Address Behavior, Not Character
Some
things that can be said in an argument have more weight than others. When we
feel angry, the temptation may be there to go for the harshest statement we can
make but doing that can cause long-term damage to a relationship that is very,
very hard to reverse. Angry words are one thing. Words that belittle the very
essence of somebody’s character are a more serious issue.
Emma’s criticism that Mason had no ambition crossed the
line. Married partners usually know the vulnerabilities and insecurities of
their spouse. To verbally strike in an area that diminishes your mate as a person
is not only wrong, but may do lasting damage. Think of the areas in your own
life where you feel most insecure. When anybody gouges you in those areas of sensitivity,
the effect is exaggerated and the resulting damage isn’t overcome easily. You
don’t want to do that to the man you love.
One
wife said to me, “Well, he knows how I am and that I don’t really mean it,” to
which I replied, “No, he doesn’t know you don’t really mean it because he has a
phantom voice inside him that already tells him it’s true. When you affirm what
that voice says, it is next to impossible for him to readily believe you don’t
mean it. He may know that you do love him but your love won’t soon overcome the
damage done by words that fuel an insecurity that is already inside him.”
Be
careful what you say. Words can be like a shotgun blast. Once the loud noise
subsides, the blast itself may be over but the damage is done. The Bible says,
“Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18, NIV).
Tell him what you don’t like. Say it clearly and even
firmly if you want, but make sure that what you talk about is his behavior.
Wrong actions can be changed in no time but when a person is made to feel that
he is inherently bad on the inside, that isn’t easy to move past.
What
are you to do if your husband speaks to you in the wrong way discussed here?
First, don’t react to such a thing. Instead, respond to his words. If your husband makes it a habit to say
things to you when he is angry that diminishes you as a person, it’s likely
that his words “push your buttons” in a way that your reaction may not be the
most helpful way to answer. In fact, your reaction may almost seem involuntary
when you feel provoked.
Instead
of reacting, decide now how you will respond when he says something to you that
is out of bounds because of the nature of the remark. It may be something as
simple as, “I will not continue this conversation now because you have crossed
the line by trying to reduce me as a person instead of talking about what I’ve
done that you don’t like.” Then, every time your husband commits this
infraction, say the same words to him. If you will be consistent in this, he
will learn that attacking your character will do nothing toward allowing him to
make his point but will only cause the conversation to end abruptly. To talk
about bad behavior is acceptable, but to put somebody down crosses the line.
When
you’ve ended a conversation in this way, wait until your emotions have
stabilized and then, when the time is right, approach him about agreeing on
certain guidelines for how you will disagree with each other. Obviously, a big
one will be that you don’t belittle each other’s character. Agree together to
address actions and not go afoul by diminishing each other. Once you have
agreed on the boundary lines for arguing, if your husband crosses a line in the
future, stop at that moment and remind him that you’ve agreed not to go there.
If he continues, end the conversation immediately and later, when you’ve both
settled down, come back to the discussion about your agreement on how to
disagree in a nondestructive way.
The
idea of agreeing upon established guidelines for how to disagree may seem
simple but it works. You both have control over your words. In fact, one
translation of James 1:26 says, “And if a man thinks that he serves God, and
does not hold his tongue, but deceives his heart, this person's service is
worthless” (Aramaic Bible in Plain
English). Neither of you have to react. You can learn to hold your tongue
and properly respond.
Avoid The Words “Never” and
“Always”
Mason
made a terrible choice by what he said to Emma: “You never give one thought to whether or not we have the money for
something.” When he made that statement, the discussion could no longer be
about what was going on at the moment the argument began. Now it was much more
than that. Mason had unwisely turned the conversation into something much
bigger by using the word “never.” His decision to use that word would
automatically and understandably put Emma on the defense. After all, now he
wasn’t just talking about one incident but about an alleged habitual way of
behaving.
When
arguments occur there are certain words that usually do nothing except increase
the emotional intensity of an already charged atmosphere. To say, “you never”
or “you always” is to throw gasoline on an already burning fire. If the goal is to resolve the problem,
that should be avoided at all costs.
Other
things to avoid are statements that question our mate’s intelligence. Somebody might say, “What were you
thinking?” or “That’s insane!” but what the other person may likely hear is, ‘You
are stupid!” Questions and remarks like these don’t serve a useful purpose. Saying
anything that is a veiled insult should be avoided.
Making
generalized accusations when arguing is harmful too. What we are feeling at
this moment may seem like feelings we have all the time, but that often is not
the case. It is easy to project the negative emotions of one intense situation into
all of life. For example, just because your husband didn’t do the yard work he
said he would do today doesn’t warrant calling him lazy. The problem with
volatile emotions during an argument is that our minds tend to quickly scan the
history of the other person’s behavior in an attempt to build a case that it’s
always like this. That is not helpful, even it were true.
It’s
important to avoid enlarging the issue that sparked the argument by saying
things that move away from the matter at hand and turn it into something much
bigger. Stay focused on the details of this particular incident and speak in a
rational and calm way about this. Don’t let it get out of hand and turn into
something else.
Strive For Understanding, Not A
Personal Victory
Have
you been married long enough to discover that even if you win an argument, you
haven’t necessarily won anything? Maturity causes us to realize that in
personal relationships resolving differences isn’t about being proven right.
The goal is to understand and be understood. Most arguments stem from a lack of
understanding by one or both partners involved.
Your
husband may see things in a way that makes no sense to you whatsoever. Rather
than immediately trying to prove that his way of seeing the matter is wrong,
what might happen if you tried to understand why he sees it that way? Chances are that once you understood why
he saw it the way he does, it would be much easier to move toward a mutually
agreeable solution to the issue.
Rather
than immediately making assertions, determine to ask questions. Not the kind of
questions that are thinly veiled points that support your view, but questions
asked with the sincere intent of understanding. If your husband isn’t normally
a highly irrational person who has no acquaintance with common sense and
ordinary logic, why not take the time to try to understand how he has reached
the opinion he has come to on the matter than has caused the disagreement?
Begin
by seeking to understand before you take the offense in an effort to be
understood. Having first shown your husband the courtesy of actively listening
to his perspective you will find yourself in a place where you can ask that he
extend the same courtesy toward you as you share your opinion. Gaining a
personal victory by proving your point isn’t the aim. Understanding is the
bedrock of conflict resolution in any situation, including marriage.
Once
you have demonstrated an understanding of your husband’s viewpoint to his
satisfaction, you will be in a better position to present your viewpoint.
People tend to not listen if they don’t fell they have themselves been heard.
That’s why it is important to demonstrate that you do understand his view.
Understanding doesn’t necessitate that you agree, but only that you have
understood.
Before
you begin to present your reasoning that supports your position on the
controversy at hand, ask him, “Are you satisfied that I’ve heard and understand
you?” If he isn’t, then ask him to say more about what he believes you haven’t
gotten yet. Calmly talk it through until he acknowledges that he does feel
heard and understood.
When
it is your time to speak, make the conscious choice to speak calmly, without
your words carrying an emotional charge. If he interrupts, stop him and ask him
if he will show you the courtesy of allowing you to complete your thoughts
before interjecting his response. Remind him that you did the same for him. These
guidelines for arguing could be applicable in any situation where people
disagree with each other.
Dealing With Bickering
Some
couples seem to bicker with each other constantly. Sometimes the arguments are
over the silliest things. Marriage is not supposed to be that way. If you find
yourself repeatedly bickering with your husband over insignificant things,
chances are that it’s not those things that are the real source of the problem.
When it seems there’s always a short fuse between you, it’s important to
discover what is causing you both to live in such an emotionally volatile
relationship.
Sometimes
stress may be the cause. When couples face trying circumstances in life, it’s
easier to be impatient with each other than with anybody else. After keeping
emotions in check all day, it isn’t uncommon to let one’s guard down at home
and release the negative feelings that may have been kept pent up all day. When
we snap at each other and know that it’s because we’re inappropriately handling
stress, the easiest and most direct route to resolution is a simply apology. “I’m
sorry. I’m feeling uptight right now and I don’t want to take it out on you.
Will you forgive me?” Those words toward each other can diffuse a potentially
bleak evening for you both.
Sometimes
the reason for constant bickering is that we have fallen into a rut of
misbehavior. One repeatedly does the same thing that irritates the other. The
other person reacts in the same way as always. The reaction of the offender to
the offended is what it always is. The ensuing results are always the same.
As
the old saying goes, “Insanity is repeatedly doing things the same way and
expecting different results.” Again, the answer here is communication. Talk
about it together. Change what is within your power to change. Find a way to
compromise. Agree together that whatever the behavior that triggers the
incident isn’t worth the fallout from it and seek out a new approach.
Another
cause for constant bickering is pride. There may be an inclination to see the
fault in our mate while being blind to our own responsibility in the situation.
The fact that your husband may indeed behave poorly doesn’t erase the
possibility that you may be contributing to the problem.
My
wife, Melanie, and I married when we were nineteen and eighteen, respectively.
Two years later we had our first child and within seven years we had four
children. Needless to say, stress levels were high for such a young couple.
As
is often the case in such scenarios, we found ourselves bickering often. No
matter how determined we both were to avoid it, arguments would break out over
the silliest things. It was not pleasant.
In
my own blindness, I did have enough understanding from my Christian upbringing
to know that praying about the problem was wise. That much wisdom I had.
However, I didn’t have enough wisdom to know what to pray. So, my private prayer every day was that God would
open Melanie’s eyes to her wrong thinking and actions. “You have to change her,
Lord!” I would pray.
We
laugh about it now, but I was serious at the time. After praying this way for
some time, I sensed my Father speaking to me one night. I will never forget it.
His words arose in my consciousness so clearly that they couldn’t have been clearer
if they had been audible. The words were, “Steve, I want to change you.”
I
was stunned. In my pride, it hadn’t occurred to me that I might need to be changed. That simply wasn’t on my radar, but I
heard Him. I knew it was His voice. So I began to pray about my attitude and my
actions. I still didn’t think Melanie was without any fault, but I didn’t focus
on her need for change. I focused on allowing God’s Spirit to transform me, and
He did.
I
began to treat my wife in a loving way. My actions and reactions to her began
to be aligned with what a husband who is following Christ will act like. I
changed and she saw it and when she saw it, something amazing happened. She
changed too.
Your
husband may be the one in the wrong. You may be justified in feeling the way
you do, but has it helped the situation? What might happen if you were to take
the initiative in bringing about change? What could take place if you laid down
your pride, setting aside the issue of who is right and who is wrong and simply
responded to your husband in grace – underserved grace?
Your
husband may need to learn appropriate behavior but it may be that the way your
Father intends to teach him is through your actions. The Bible teaches that the
behavior of a wife can have a profound effect in changing her husband. (See 1
Corinthians 7:14, 1Peter 3:1-2) While you’ve been waiting for him to change,
your Father may be waiting to first change you.
Arguing
is normal in any marriage relationship. The question at hand revolves around
how it will look in your marriage. Allow the Holy Spirit to teach you how to
“be angry and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). Wives who walk in grace sometimes
argue but they have learned how to do it properly.
Get it at your local Christian bookstore or here, from our ministry:
http://gracewalkresources.com/item.asp?cID=&PID=793
Get it at your local Christian bookstore or here, from our ministry:
http://gracewalkresources.com/item.asp?cID=&PID=793
